The Art of ASKING For What You Want In The Bedroom & In Love.
My 6 Steps for Receiving What You Want With Ease!
Around this time of year, I always want to remind my community that it is okay to UNABASHEDLY ASK for your desires & pleasures to be met right NOW….
As we start the new year, we have endless chances to voice what we truly want and the longer we hold back mustering up the courage to express the desire of our heart - the longer we put ourselves in a place of waiting and delay the joyful experience of receiving.
I asked to visit castles while we are here in Lisbon and we went to go see two!
This is why my article today is not about the art of asking, but it’s also about the joyful art of receiving;
Reminding you that you can embrace the possibility of getting exactly what you hope for!
It was hard for me to ask the men I was with to do something for me, or help me, or give to me; so I would drop hints and leave them clues…..but this doesn’t work for a few reasons which I have a simple story I will share in a moment with you if you keep reading…
Asking for what you want in the bedroom and in love can be difficult, I understand that and it used to be the same way for me due to the unprocessed shame I carried. My body would shut down or choke up when I would go to ask my partner for something that I wanted.
In my current relationship, one of our agreements is that we MUST ask for what we want regardless of fears, worries, or shame around because it comes from our hearts.
My partner told me to think of him as Santa Clause. I couldn’t help but crack up laughing at the idea since I’m usually a naughty and mischievous woman, but his point was spot on- Santa gets a clear list of what everyone wants, spelled out clearly for him so he doesn’t have to guess and can get it right the first time so the person is happy to receive the gift when Santa comes to town. Santa needs clear, direct requests with purpose - so do our partners- regardless of what you believe in this childhood story, the lesson stands out and stands true when it comes to asking.
Ask and it is given.
This stuck with me and now I ask for things daily and it feels so good to receive them all day long. The key to mastering this is not only asking but not being attached to the person you are asking “needing” to be the source that fulfills your desires because in the end you can always fill your own cup…and ultimately if this person doesn’t have a strong desire to be flexible and meet you in your desires it’s so much better to LEARN that it’s not a match for your heart sooner than later WITHOUT settle on less.
I have always wanted a partner who desires to spoil me in ways of love, support, and romance so I asked to go out on weekly dates..even though a part might have felt like this was too much with how full life is - my heart wouldn’t be happy and content with anything less…so I must follow my heart and I asked. Now every week, without fail, he plans a date night for us which is always a surprising experience for me to receive as well as gives him the gift of seeing me in pure joy as a result of his devotion. We both love it and its an agreement we both made to elevate our relationship and stay focused on keeping things spicy and fun focusing on just US!
The patterns that I help my clients heal & let go of, once and for all, are filled with fear - habits of tip-toeing around their desires for a variety of these fears come up in vulnerable moments they want to ignore or dismiss. We transform fear into powerful moments of opportunity.
It can be intimidating to speak up about your desires, especially if you are worried about rejection or offending your partner. However, effective communication is essential for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Asking for what we want is a crucial skill to master.
Ask and it is given.
You deserve everything you want and desire, and it is yours to have!
My 6 Keys To The Art of Receiving Your Desires with Ease
Here are a few tips for how to ask for what you want in the bedroom and in love:
Be clear and specific about your desires. Don't beat around the bush or try to hint at what you want. Be direct and use "I" statements to express your needs and wants. For example, instead of saying "I don't like it when you do that," say "I would prefer it if you did this instead." TRULY, Men are NOT looking for hints or clues that we are putting out there because they’re NOT wired that way- they need direction and purpose
Practice active listening. Before you make a request, try to understand your partner's perspective. Ask open-ended questions and listen to their responses. This will help you both feel heard and respected. the KEY here is NOT making this a “tit for tat” exchange where you listen and then want to respond with your own needs or requests- let them have theirs and actually digest it, let it inspire you to feel deeply into their perspective and be curious as to why they are asking for this request without listening from your own wounds or ideas.
Make the conversation a dialogue, not a monologue. It's important to remember that your relationship is a partnership, not a one-way street. Encourage your partner to share their own desires and be open to discussing and cocreating in a way that feels fun, easy, and supportive for both of you as a team….think Team Pleasure..you need to discuss the game plan and approach so that everyone wins!
Be open to negotiation. It's okay if you and your partner have different needs and wants. The key is to find a middle ground and come to a mutual agreement that works for both of you. As I shared in my story above, we both agreed to co-creating what would work for us - maybe one night doesn’t work but ask yourself can you let go of hard preferences in order to get your desires to be met..? Maybe it’s not a Monday but it’s a Thursday time slot that’s 3 hours instead of a whole night..will that meet your desire for deep quality time- only you know but be open to being surprised and experimenting here before there is a full agreement.
Use "and" instead of "but." When making a request, it's important to validate your partner's feelings and needs. Using "but" can negate what came before it, while using "and" acknowledges both parties' perspectives. For example, instead of saying "I know you're tired, but can we try this new position?" say "I know you're tired, and I really enjoy trying new things. Can we try this position for a few minutes and then take a break?" This keep us in a place of openness as when the word is used it created a stop/close point in the other person without them even realizing it as its so subconscious.
Practice consent. Asking for what you want in the bedroom also means respecting your partner's boundaries and only engaging in activities that are consensual. Make sure to check in with your partner before trying anything new and be open to their feedback. Phrases that can be used in and out of the bedroom, especially when it comes to physical touch are “Can I scratch your back?” or “Would you like for me to touch you here?” or “It would feel so good for me to receive x, y ,z are you available for that?” Sounds so simple YET something magical happens where INSIDE of your body - the tension your body feels will start to dissolve as it feels safer being asked to be touched. I have my clients apply this practice with themselves in their pleasure practices to notice how even our own bodies may not want to be touched without general consent in order to open and welcome pleasure in.
Overall, The Art Of Asking for what you want in the bedroom and in love is about effective communication and mutual respect. By expressing your desires and being open to negotiation, you can create a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Ask and it is given.
If you would like some additional guidance as you heal and navigate your desires, I have a special invitation for you to go deeper!
Embodiment & Breathwork Bundle®
This bundle was designed specifically to serve as a guide for you to cultivate a greater sense of self-love, confidence, mind-body connection, and help you regulate your nervous system so that you can stay present, no matter what comes your way.
When you show up with high engagement, we are magnetic, open, and available. You are also claiming your desire of receiving love, you know that you are worthy and deserving NO MATTER WHAT 💖💋💖
If you’re ready to cultivate new energy this year and begin a new way of relating, take advantage of this special invitation.